FLASH! DATELINE: Brooklyn, NY!
On Monday, June 6th, 2016, gangsters lead by notorious crime lord Hillary “Big C.” Rodham Clinton attempted a daring heist of the Democratic nomination for President! The caper, hatched since at least July, 2008, involved numerous collaborators, plants, and patsies in every level of government, perhaps including even the President of the United States himself!
Clinton, who is under investigation by the FBI for destruction of government records, misuse of classified materials, and potential violations of the Espionage Act, had originally expected to face little resistance in her plan to first swipe the nomination, then blackmail voters into handing her the Presidency, as leaked internal correspondence between gang members from May of the previous year has revealed!
According to the leaks, “Madame Secretary” intended all along to pitch herself as the “pragmatic” alternative to the threat of Republican goonery! Ultimately chosen for the role of muscle in this protection racket was longtime Clinton associate and infamous con-man Donald “Babyfingers” Drumpf—perhaps best-known to the public for his habit of emblazoning the scenes of his crimes with enormous, golden representations of his preferred alias: “TRUMP!”
Meanwhile, members of the so-called “press,” as well as Hollywood’s elite were tasked with juicing up Mrs. Clinton’s credentials, while putting any suggestions of her failings or weaknesses on ice! The stated goal of this operation was to “muddy the waters” around the big boss’s own, questionable record, while “leav[ing] no fingerprints,” though the very existence of the leaks proves the latter strategy was less than successful!
Further complicating matters for the First Lady of Crime was one Bernard “Bernie” Sanders, Septuagenarian Senator from the State of Vermont! Instead of going down quickly like a moll in her husband’s Oval Office, Clinton’s only remaining rival for the nomination achieved the necessary momentum to surmount her initial rigging of the race, threatening to derail her Machiavellian designs!
Thus, more drastic measures were required! Additional favors were called in! From Iowa to Arizona, and New York to California, elected and appointed officials who had already pledged allegiance to the Clinton Machine, or who, in the past, had been treated to offers they could not refuse, interfered with voters’ ability to choose any Democratic candidate other than Grandma Larceny!
Polling places were closed or obstructed! Registrations were lost or suspiciously altered! Ballots simply went uncounted by the thousands, hundreds of thousands, or even millions! Voter rolls were purged—with seemingly the only condition for removal being whether a voter had donated to the Sanders campaign—and caucus results ignored!
False accusations of violence were attributed to Sanders supporters by “journalists” on the take, and after one of these sharps spilled the beans about their intentions to slip the public a mickey by declaring Mrs. Clinton victorious before the Primary had even ended, he and his cohorts accounted for this display of either unbelievable incompetence or rakish hubris not by scrapping the scheme, but simply by executing it a day earlier than expected!
When even this failed to eighty-six the Sanders campaign, or silence calls for Mrs. Clinton’s indictment, the latter’s husband/beard, Former President and well-known cigar aficionado William Jefferson “Slick Willie” Clinton, put the screws to Loretta M. Lynch, Attorney General of the United States, confronting her on the tarmac at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport!
Days later, laughing directly in the faces of Lady Justice and Johnny Law, Mrs. Clinton met personally with Federal investigators! Surrounded by enough high-powered attorneys to acquit Leopold & Loeb, the candidate emerged after 3 1/2 hours continuing to feign innocence!
All the while, Babyfingers Drumpf intensified his already over-the-top racist, sexist, xenophobic performance, prompting many a Clinton supporter to wonder aloud how anyone could possibly justify not happily kissing the Queen’s ring instead of risking a jab from her enforcer’s tiny fist—apparently unaware both limbs belong to the same entity, playing us all for chumps like characters in a Punch and Judy show!
The fix is in, ladies and gentlemen! Once again, voters are presented with a devil’s bargain! Fortunately, as in all protection rackets, the dilemma given is a false one: the option of standing up to both the criminal mastermind AND her heavy exists, as always! What remains to be seen is whether or not Mr. and Mrs. United States have the insight to recognize this essential truth, as well as the courage and determination to act upon it!