Wee Wee-Wee

This cartoon addresses Donald Trump’s history of evading justice, especially with regard to crimes he committed both during his time in office and shortly afterwards. It likens the situation to “catching a greased pig,” a once-common expression used to describe a challenging activity or a “slippery” person who frequently escapes responsibilities or consequences. The term itself arises from pig wrestling, a game found at county fairs and rodeos in which a group of people chase a pig covered with lubricant around a pen and attempt to grab and hold onto it.

Pictured in the cartoon are Lady Justice, and the three prosecutors currently pursuing Trump. The nearest is Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, the first among them to charge Trump with a crime, whose Stormy Daniels “hush money” case will also be the first going to trial. Next is the DA of Fulton County, Georgia, Fani Willis, whose RICO case I always assumed would be next on the docket, if it didn’t end up preceding Bragg’s, and if it isn’t completely derailed by the red herring of Willis’ personal life. Furthest away is Jack Smith, the special prosecutor appointed to deal with Trump’s willful mishandling of numerous classified documents, as well as a separate investigation into Trump’s involvement in the January 6th attack on the US Capitol by the dumbest would-be insurrectionists of all-time.

Basically, everyone is arranged here more or less according to how soon their respective trials are likely to begin, and how likely they are to secure a conviction, by my own estimation.

Trump’s already lost a civil fraud case which resulted in penalties of nearly half a billion dollars, after losing a defamation case for $83 million which also grants anyone the right to call him a rapist without fear of legal reprisal. But those were mere civil actions, so Trump’s A-holesquad of scumbag lawyers, who make Saul Goodman look like Abraham Lincoln, have been more focused on the ones that could put their crime lord client in prison, at least until the above-noted fines start causing his checks to bounce just like his ol’ pal Rudy’s.

Their main tactic seems to be delaying the trials until after the election in November, betting on Trump receiving a second term so he can simply go pardon himself. Self-pardons have never been tested, though the Democrats have proven so spineless when it comes to Republican executives treating checks and balances like toilet paper for the last 40 years that one struggles to imagine them doing anything about it even if they were to somehow expand their control of the legislature in 2024.

As for the judicial branch, Trump is seemingly being actively aided by the Supreme Court, or at least most of its members. These include a drunken rapist, a narcoleptic bestiality enthusiast, a He-Man Woman-Hater whose judicial sensibilities predate the Enlightenment, a rictus-faced Christian cultist whose misogynistic, homophobic church is allegedly rife with child sexual abuse, and a torture-defender who’s apparently too incompetent or shiftless to acknowledge the difference between objective reality and made-up hypotheticals found entirely within some liar’s imagination.

Three out of five of these stellar individuals were appointed by Trump himself, and another is married to one of the previously-noted dumb insurrectionists—sure sounds like a conflict of interest, huh?

At Trump’s behest, the Court will soon consider whether or not the argument that “if the President does it, it’s not illegal” should be codified as law. You’d think we would’ve settled this theory back in the ‘70s when Richard Nixon first proposed it, seeing as Nixon is today almost universally-reviled, and so widely recognized as a crook that most people probably think “I am not a crook” was his actual campaign slogan, but nah. Since then, we’ve had current and former Presidents get away with nearly every crime imaginable, including repeat sexual assault, rape, treason, mass-murder, assassinating children and entire families like spiteful mobsters, and even directly supporting genocide.

Trump’s army of Lionel Hutzes, Barry Zuckerkorns, and Hyperchickens have argued that if their client does not receive immunity for crimes he committed while President, it could expose all of his predecessors to prosecution as well, to which I say:

In any case, making one of your opening statements essentially, “Everyone knows our client is guilty, but” sure seems like it has a lot of potential to backfire, since even this incredibly-biased SCOTUS could possibly issue a ruling too narrow to cover every single count addressed by Jack Smith’s indictments.

Furthermore, Presidents can only pardon federal offenses, so no matter what happens, Trump cannot pardon his way out of either the Georgia election interference case or the Manhattan hush money case. The former is far more serious, and since—as in all of these—the accused are obviously guilty, the shysters representing them have tried to muck things up by desperately flinging into everyone’s eyes irrelevant shit related to who the DA’s been banging, even though that has nothing to with anyone on trial or anything they’re on trial for.

Where’d Trump and his cronies find these reprobate attorneys, anyway? The back page of the National Enquirer? A directory scrawled onto a men’s room stall or tattooed upon a dead hooker’s ass? I’d like to say, “this is so stupid, I can’t believe it might actually work,” but it certainly wouldn’t be the first time an unscrupulous defense secured a dubious victory by putting on a sideshow about an innocent black person’s character instead of defending their client’s indefensible actions.